Forgiveness is one of the most powerful forces in healing—but only when it is rooted in truth, accountability, and meaningful change. In a culture where apologies are often issued for damage control rather than reconciliation, it’s easy to confuse performance with transformation. This is why earned forgiveness matters—because not every “sorry” is sacred, and not every path to repair is genuine.
The Danger of Performative Apologism
We’ve all encountered apologies that sound hollow: vague phrases like “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “Let’s move on” can often signal a refusal to engage with the reality of harm. Performative apologism occurs when someone offers an apology simply to appear remorseful, without doing the necessary emotional or behavioral work.
Performative apologism is an attempt to smooth things over without acknowledging impact, changing behavior, or restoring trust. At its core, it centers the offender’s discomfort instead of the harmed person’s healing, and that’s where real danger lies.
DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender
One of the more insidious tactics used to avoid accountability is known as DARVO—an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. When someone uses DARVO, they not only reject the claim of harm but turn the blame around, making the injured party seem like the aggressor.
This tactic is often used by individuals or institutions trying to protect their image or control the narrative. For the person on the receiving end, DARVO is psychologically destabilizing. It leaves them questioning their memory, their emotions, and their right to name what happened. In such an environment, forgiveness is not only unearned—it’s unsafe.
Forgiveness Is Earned, Not Owed
Despite common narratives, forgiveness is not an obligation. It’s not a sign of maturity to accept apologies that lack substance. True forgiveness is a conscious gift, not a reflex or a duty. It may arise from healing, but it cannot substitute for it. Forgiveness given without accountability can invalidate harm and reinforce cycles of abuse. When forgiveness is earned, it rests on a foundation of truth, repair, and change, not avoidance.
Teshuvah: A Sacred Path to Real Repair
The Jewish ethical tradition of Teshuvah offers a profound model for repentance and restoration. Teshuvah, meaning “return,” outlines a five-step process for repairing harm, not just through words, but through behavior.
Recognition and Discontinuation
This step involves clearly acknowledging the wrongdoing and, most importantly, ceasing the harmful behavior. Recognition without behavioral change is empty.
Verbal Confession
Confession requires us to name the harm aloud—to ourselves, a spiritual guide, or the person harmed. Speaking it aloud forces us to confront the truth and validates the pain caused.
Regret
True regret is not self-pity. It’s the deep internal reckoning with what our actions have done to another person. It requires empathy, not just guilt.
Determination Not to Repeat
This is a forward-looking commitment. It involves taking responsibility for our growth and ensuring that the same harm won’t be repeated. This might mean seeking help, making life changes, or removing ourselves from situations where we lack control.
Restitution (When Possible)
Repair must move beyond words. This can take many forms: direct apology, public acknowledgment, replacing what was taken, or any tangible act that aims to restore justice. Even if full repair is not possible, the effort speaks volumes.
What Forgiveness Is—and Is Not
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It is not forgetting the harm, excusing the offense, or necessarily re-entering a relationship. It does not require reconciliation, nor does it obligate us to make ourselves available for further harm. Rather, forgiveness, when appropriate, can become a release from the emotional burden of resentment. It’s something the harmed person offers freely, not under pressure or expectation.
For Those Who Caused Harm
If you’ve hurt someone, the first thing to understand is that you’re not entitled to their forgiveness. You may never be welcomed back into their life, and that doesn’t mean your efforts are meaningless. Doing the work of Teshuvah transforms not only relationships but also character. Even if the other person cannot or does not forgive you, your process of repair can change who you become moving forward.
For Those Who Were Harmed
If you’ve been hurt, your feelings of anger, grief, or betrayal are valid. You are not “bitter” for being cautious, nor are you “stuck” for needing time—or space—to heal.
When evaluating someone’s apology, ask yourself:
- Are their words specific, humble, and consistent?
- Have they taken steps to change their behavior?
- Do they make space for your pain without demanding forgiveness in return?
You don’t owe forgiveness to anyone who hasn’t earned it. Your healing can exist with or without reconciliation, and with or without forgiving.
Forgiveness as Sacred
In a world full of shallow apologies and emotional manipulation, earned forgiveness stands apart. It requires courage from the one who harmed and agency for the one who was harmed. Teshuvah teaches us that forgiveness is not a shortcut—it’s a sacred path grounded in accountability, remorse, and repair.
Whether you are the one seeking forgiveness or the one choosing whether to give it, know this: healing does not come from empty words. It comes from truth, change, and the daily practice of becoming someone who does no further harm.
For more help in navigating forgiveness, reach out today.
